Roller Coaster

Trying to have a baby is a roller coaster.

There comes a time when you pull the goalie, so to speak. You decide the prospect of raising a human being is not as scary as it was three months ago when you were hoarding condoms and popping pills daily. It’s a new kind of scary. An exciting kind of scary. Like a roller coaster.

So you let it happen. You give up control. See where the cards will fall. And then you start to notice babies. Babies everywhere. Babies crying, babies laughing, babies walking and talking. Strollers, diaper bags, blankets, and cribs. Rompers, bumpers, tee pees and bibs. And you start think that maybe you could really do this. You get on board. You jump in with both feet. You google “ovulation.”

27,500,000 hits in .09 seconds. It’s intimidating. It’s scary.  So you just look at one. It says you ovulated 14 days after the start of your first month. You take that at face value. And you leave it alone.

When a month goes by and you discover you are obviously NOT pregnant, you’re oddly disappointed. You didn’t “try” but you didn’t not “try.” You’ve been trying for so long to not have a baby, when you stopped you figured it was bound to happen. But it’s okay. Next month you’ll do your thing on day 14 and see what happens.

So you try and nothing. Again. This might happen one, two, six, ten, twelve times before it starts to bug you. But when it does, watch out.

At the beginning of the month, you’re crabby, as all women are when we’re experiencing that visitor. But you’ve got another reason to be crabby. A week of feeling bloated and gross, and not being pregnant, goes by, then it’s business time. The thermometer comes out. The chart is started. Everything is timed. Everything is precise. A week later, it’s over.

Then it’s time to wait. Two weeks of waiting. Of hoping. Of wishing. Of not getting your hopes up. Of thinking of names. Of discussing due dates. Of really trying hard not to get your hopes up. Of waiting.

The last three days are the worst. Day 27 comes and goes. You’re excited, but weary. Day 28 comes and goes. The excitement grows, but so does the weariness. If you’re lucky, you’re visitor will show up today. If you’re not, you’ve got as many as 3 more days of agony.

If you’re really lucky, you’ve made a baby.

If you’re really not lucky, your monthly visitor is back. And it all starts over again.

So here is what I have to say. When you’re pushing someone to have a baby. Putting pressure on them, because you as a mother, sister, aunt, grandma, are ready. Just remember, it’s not that easy. Not for everyone. And maybe she’s already been trying since December.

xoxo, M

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